There are many things we have to learn in this lifetime. One of the most painful things to do is to love and then learn to let go. I have had my share of romance with this one person for the past two years and I must say that I am seriously lost with my decision. How is it possible for me to forget the happy times together? Our silly little moments that just leaves us choking with laughter. Coming to think of it our relationship was more on the physical side, which led to all the emotional turmoil because we were not on the same wavelength. Into the relationship I realized that I have become so dependant on him. He practically does everything for me from cleaning my room, taking out the trash to completing my sctl all because I have such a lazy ass. I would have had him do my exercise for me if the law of nature permits it. Well it took me a while to realize that I love him but at the same time I was using him.
I have always looked at myself as a person who would rebel at the slightest attempt of control. Unfortunately I was wrong, I do like the other side to be slightly possessive, but the permission to be possessive has to come with a price. My ideal guy would be someone I can accept without feeling the need to change him and of course he would be someone I look up to in awe. My other half should know how to react in situations when I’m caught in the mud and take care of me. I do not want to be the dominating one in any relationship; I am a girl for god sake.
There are times when people tell me that I am so lucky to have found someone like him.. sigh sometimes I wish we’ve never met and yet at sometimes I feel like I cant go on living without him. I know it sounds really funny coming from a person like me, most people see me as a happy go lucky/crazy person with no worries I cant handle. I like being able to control things to a certain extent, like they way I control my grades, the actual reason why I keep an above average grade is that I feel like I have so many flaws and the only thing that could cover up for them are my grades. I mean if you’re screwed with your personal life better not let it reflect on your grades. As I said I like to have a certain amount of control with my life, this doesn’t apply when I am with him. When I’m with him I have no control over myself, I do things that I cant understand. Well u can say that he brings out the real me but I think I want to save such things for marriage, I mean it’s really weird having the term ‘bf/gf’ when u practically feel like your married.
We have been so serious with each other that he has told me he is willing to spend his life with me. Wow.. I am flattered but I seriously think I lack the maturity to venture into that thought. I am also not prepared to meet his parents, as I know I will never live up to their expectations, not now at least. Religion is not a barrier as far as I am concerned, however I have not mentally prepared myself to accept the fact I have to give up my rights for him, not at this age, later on in life then I don’t mind. Maybe I am not prepared for all of this because he cannot assure me that my life wont go down hill if I stuck with him long enough. U can say I am kinda kiasi. But that’s the way I am since a single parent brought me up and I love and admire her to bits but I don’t want to end up like her.
Sigh.. its really hard letting go. My heart still smiles when he calls and I’m really finding it hard to not have someone I can ‘manja’ with. I have related this problem to only one friend and he says he believe that everything happens for a reason, if its meant to happen it will. My conscience and brain is telling me that my decision to leave is right but my heart is still kind of sad but I think the right decision was made because both of us need to have more experience to know what we want in life. I think I can really do with some company of good friends to keep my mind off this matter.
I have always looked at myself as a person who would rebel at the slightest attempt of control. Unfortunately I was wrong, I do like the other side to be slightly possessive, but the permission to be possessive has to come with a price. My ideal guy would be someone I can accept without feeling the need to change him and of course he would be someone I look up to in awe. My other half should know how to react in situations when I’m caught in the mud and take care of me. I do not want to be the dominating one in any relationship; I am a girl for god sake.
There are times when people tell me that I am so lucky to have found someone like him.. sigh sometimes I wish we’ve never met and yet at sometimes I feel like I cant go on living without him. I know it sounds really funny coming from a person like me, most people see me as a happy go lucky/crazy person with no worries I cant handle. I like being able to control things to a certain extent, like they way I control my grades, the actual reason why I keep an above average grade is that I feel like I have so many flaws and the only thing that could cover up for them are my grades. I mean if you’re screwed with your personal life better not let it reflect on your grades. As I said I like to have a certain amount of control with my life, this doesn’t apply when I am with him. When I’m with him I have no control over myself, I do things that I cant understand. Well u can say that he brings out the real me but I think I want to save such things for marriage, I mean it’s really weird having the term ‘bf/gf’ when u practically feel like your married.
We have been so serious with each other that he has told me he is willing to spend his life with me. Wow.. I am flattered but I seriously think I lack the maturity to venture into that thought. I am also not prepared to meet his parents, as I know I will never live up to their expectations, not now at least. Religion is not a barrier as far as I am concerned, however I have not mentally prepared myself to accept the fact I have to give up my rights for him, not at this age, later on in life then I don’t mind. Maybe I am not prepared for all of this because he cannot assure me that my life wont go down hill if I stuck with him long enough. U can say I am kinda kiasi. But that’s the way I am since a single parent brought me up and I love and admire her to bits but I don’t want to end up like her.
Sigh.. its really hard letting go. My heart still smiles when he calls and I’m really finding it hard to not have someone I can ‘manja’ with. I have related this problem to only one friend and he says he believe that everything happens for a reason, if its meant to happen it will. My conscience and brain is telling me that my decision to leave is right but my heart is still kind of sad but I think the right decision was made because both of us need to have more experience to know what we want in life. I think I can really do with some company of good friends to keep my mind off this matter.
3 comments:
"I think I can really do with some company of good friends to keep my mind off this matter".
u xprnah cerita pon pasal ni..!
i kan ada..
Dear Kimbo. Aiceh so formal. hehe
its good that ur mind is not left at melaka. haha. well, as fard as ure always telling us how ur mind doesnt work, well, it does. this matter is nothing but serious. a lifetime is a long, long time. and life's too long (well, in this case, to the contrary of course) for u to make such mistake. finding the right partner. marriage is too big. even when ure married u can have doubts.
u gotta give urself time. its not an obligation to HAVE a boyfriend let alone OWN them. u gotta need someone that of coz, u can depend to but never let u overreact. one who can control things well and at the same time let em flow well. u still hv time lah, we're only 20!! haha not yet for me of coz. if u guys r meant to be, then fate will find u :) dont worry about this! make damn sure u can sunat more people without any worries dulu! hahahaha
learning to let go is probably the harder lesson learnt compared to learning to fall in love.
if you've done just that, than you shall have no problem learning to love another person.
*comment overdued.
Post a Comment